Self indulgent post in 3… 2…
Hello! Have you ever thought to yourself, “I wonder when Restaurant ABC opens and if they have a vegetarian option on their dinner menu” and then found yourself on some graphic designer’s senior thesis in the form of a web site? And all you really wanted was some basic info? But now you’re not going to that restaurant purely out of spite?
No?
Maybe stop reading then.
This is from McSweeney’s, and I am in love with it.
IF THIS FUSION RESTAURANT’S WEBSITE COULD TALK
By Mike Lacher
HEY HEY HEY! Watch this slide show! LOOK! We have modern chairs and minimalist light fixtures!! LOOK! It’s an orchid floating in a pool at sunset! Want to hear some DANCE MUSIC???? Mute it any time you like! Just click the animated parakeet flying around the screen! You want to get into the site??? Just click the smallest fork!!! DANCE MUSIC!!!!!
Welcome! LOOK! Pictures of our wall-sized aquarium!! Check out how all the links spin when you scroll the page!!!!!! DANCE MUSIC! See the bowl of noodles in the corner??? Mouse over it! WHHHHOA! Customer testimonials popped out!!!! Follow us on Twitter!!!!!
You want to see our menu??? Just click “About Us!” No, not the actual words, on the stylized elephant next to the words. Yes! DANCE MUSIC!!!
Watch this full-screen video!!! Did you know we were founded in 2004 with the mission of bringing cutting edge cuisine with a hip flair to Brooklyn??? DANCE MUSIC!!!! Look at this picture of the owner’s child!!! LOOK! You can find our menu later! Fine! You can minimize the video by clicking the yellow play button!
Scroll to the bottom of the page! WHHHHHHOA IT’S SNOWING!!!! If you want our menu just click the girl holding the balloons! No, that girl is holding glass orbs. That will take you to our MySpace page! Do you want to be friends on MySpace?? Follow us on Twitter!!!! Okay okay. Just click the girl with the balloons!!!
WHOA! The balloons just flew away when you clicked! You just “liked” us on Facebook! Thanks!! DANCE MUSIC!!!!! OH WOW a whole cityscape just popped up! Click each building to learn about the key principles of our cooking! Come on! Fine. To get to the menu, just click the building that looks like a dojo! WHOA NOW YOU’RE FLYING THROUGH A VIRUTAL CITYSCAPE JUST LIKE—uh oh. Try closing any other open applications on your computer. Are you using Internet Explorer 6? It’s best if you’re using Internet Explorer 6. Give it a minute.
OKAY! Here it comes! Now draw a circle around the old guru sitting on the mountain! Wait for him to walk down the mountain! THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER AS HE GETS CLOSER TO THE BOTTOM!!!! EXPLOSION OF FLOWERS!!!!!! HERE’S A TEN MEGABYTE PDF OF OUR MENU FROM 2004! YOU CAN PRINT IT OUT! ON LEGAL PAPER! FOLLOW US ON TWITTER!!!!!!
DANCE MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!
Isn’t that brilliant? And spot on?
For more gems visit: Never Said About Restaurant Websites on tumblr. Because of things like this: “My primary interest in visiting your Web site is to examine every page on the site before I finally find your hours of operation and phone number in illegible type in a graphical footer.” Enjoy.
Lauren E. is a food writer and recipe tester living in New York City. She is a regular contributor to Yumm.com and has been featured on The Martha Stewart Show.